Stop doing things out of obligation.
Gold Coast, Australia - 24th Nov, 2024
When I was a little boy, one of my biggest wishes was simple. I wanted to beat my Dad at Golf. He took me to lessons, taught me how to putt, chip and drive. We played in Fiji, Melbourne and even Merimbula. But, no matter how good I got, he always seemed to just take the win. It drove me nuts!
This even continued recently when we had a week together on Hamilton Island and played mini golf together on Halloween. We agreed to play on holes won, instead of strokes. What happened? I won on strokes, but lost on holes won. I was livid (he will attest to this) - I still couldn't beat my Dad at Golf!
But you know what would have been worse? If at any stage in the journey of our golfing battles, Dad had let me win out of obligation - because he thought he should. I would have been even more mad at him for taking away the opportunity to beat him fair and square. No one wants a pity win just like no one wants our obligatory 'yes.'
When we do things because we 'should' or we 'have to', it literally kills our life force and damages our relationships. It breeds resentment, guilt, shame, and even frustration in ourselves and in the people around us.
At a deeper level, doing something because we feel obligated to, is also highly disrespectful. Why? Because it takes power away from the other person - it assumes they need us and that our presence is somehow some special gift. But, people don't want our obligatory yes, they want our 'fuck yes' or our 'fuck no.' Even if it hurts a little.
And you know what? I actually don't blame anyone for this predicament we find ourselves in. In between English and Maths classes at schools, we were never truly taught how to make empowered decisions.
Maybe we were lucky enough to have parents that taught us how to make choices, or a mentor, or maybe we just worked it out ourselves. But for the most part, this wasn't part of the 'life curriculum' growing up.
Speaking from personal experience, I've had to teach myself how to make powerful choices. Naturally, I've had support from the people I love around me, but I've still had to figure it out for myself.
And the truth is, we all have to figure it out for ourselves. We are the only ones that know what we truly want. Unless we don't... unless years of internalised conditioning and belief systems protect us from knowing our truth. Then, the work starts with just getting back in contact with our truth.
Truth is a powerful way of being. Truth is the language of the heart. Truth is a solid foundation we can build on. Truth is a catalyst for change. The liberation of truth in our lives is where the magic happens - the more that we can liberate truth, and allow ourselves to speak and be truth, the more that we get to have and create what we truly want in life. And that is attractive.
Every time we ignore our truth, we commit a mini self-abandonment and if we're not careful, we can go a whole day doing this. Even a whole lifetime. So why do we do this?
There could be lots of reasons, but in my experience, it boils down to one core driver - safety.
We are social beings and finding and staying in the group makes us feel safe. When we're not deeply established enough in our own sovereignty and our own power to choose what we want, no matter what, we will defer to the group. When we're afraid for our safety, especially being kicked out of a group, we will self-abandon and please or appease in order to stay in. Which works, to a point, and then we start to become deeply unhappy and maybe even sick.
Until we don't. Until we choose different. Until we reclaim our power to choose and we follow our truth, even if it means it gets us kicked out of the group. And the irony? If our truth is truly heart-based and not ego-driven, this often makes us a leader (the distinction between heart and ego is a whole other article).
Once we start, it also never stops. Even this week I made a huge, career defining decision that was years in the making. Underneath the decision, was everything related to what's outlined in this email. Between you and I, I've decided to no longer operate as a registered Psychologist and officially de-registered. It was scary, it took about 18 months to make the decision but I finally reached breaking point this week and realised I couldn't keep showing up out of obligation. My truth was my truth and truth only wants one thing - to be free and liberated.
So how do we step out of obligation and into truth? It boils down to one simple principle... follow our heart. Our heart is the holder of our truth. Our heart communicates in truth. Our heart is our inner compass and leader. Our heart, along with everyone else, seeks harmony and it knows that only through the liberation of truth can individual and collective harmony be achieved. How do you know if you're connected to truth? You know that deep sigh you get when things start to make sense? That's truth. You can feel it. It's a form of resolution.
Yes, the way out of our people-pleasing, obligation-driven decision-making matrix is as simple as following our heart. Start this week and let me know how you go.
